8:44 AM :

I just read Nate and Aaron's journals, and well, they are just easier to read than mine. It is obviously because i use mine more as a publisher than for just writing simple thoughts that i have everyday. I only post once every two weeks, and they are always way too long to keep your average blog-reader interested.

Anyway, i will try to make it more interesting from now on.

I am coming home in a few days. It feels funny. Everyone from home keeps telling me to appreciate my last few days here and not take them for granted. They are right, and i am trying... But france feels like home now, almost as much as home does. So it doesn't carry that romantic, foreign, exciting, adventure air to with it any more. I still love it, and it is still exciting, but not like it used to be... So it is hard to fully appreciate it when i am in this state of mind. I am definitely appreciating the beautiful weather we are having, and the mountains, and the famous KEBAB... But other than that, it just feels like home.

I'll write more later. :)

 

1:35 AM : The last few weeks I have been working on a project called “Chemin de Prières” with Matthew and Jean-Yves. It has been a fun project and something that I think is making a big splash in the French evangelical culture. It definitely has some elements of the new experiments with church services and moving away from traditional forms of evangelical liturgy. (whether we like to call it that or not...:) Anyway, literally translated, “Chemin de Prières” means ‘path of prayers’. But this was not anything like the idea of a prayer walk, where one or a group of believers goes around praying for certain places.

When I was in Switzerland at the Dawn European Network conference, I conversed with Andrew Jones, a friend of Matthew’s who is part of the Emergent team. The three of us (Matthew, Andrew, and I) spoke a bit about the Labyrinth idea which was an old Catholic idea where the Cathedral is built in such a way that every time you go into it, you move in a patterned “journey” in and out of the space, focusing on different aspects of the spiritual life as you move through. (This is not the same thing as the stations of the Cross.) The Chartes Cathedral in northern France is a prime example. In England, a guy named Jonny Baker and some friends renewed the idea and added some new ideas to increase the sensuality of the experience and to put it into a context that people today could get into... (search in google for “proost” or “labyrinth” and you are bound to find it... Anyway, we also talked about a thing Andrew was involved in where the made a journey through a building with each room being representative of one aspect of God or of the spiritual walk with God. For example, one room was dedicated to the playfulness of God. So in that room, they had all sorts of musical instruments, big toys, silly things to play with, etc... Sounds a bit out there, but I saw a little video clip, and it was really cool to see people getting into it, and seeming to be able to take something positive away from it. Another room was for expression in dance where one was supposed to dance, and worship God with one’s body.

The whole point of all that is to give a little back ground to what Matthew, Jean-Yves, and I were thinking when we started this Chemin de Prières. So, we wanted to focus on prayer, as we were going through a series of sermons surrounding Acts 2.42. The Chemin is broken into the basic types of prayer: Adoration, Thanks, Supplication, Intercession, Confession, and Engagement (resolution). We wanted to find ways to focus in on the foundation of each type of prayer and find a way to amplify the experience of it, or to be able to put it into a context different than just getting on our knees to talk to God. (NOTE: I know that God doesn’t distinguish between prayers made in the regular way or some new experiential way... Getting on our knees to pray every day is what we hope comes out of this... The point is to create something that brings prayer back to life in the minds of the people. Where we can make them focus enough on prayer of a certain type, and create a space which cultivates quietness of spirit, so that the distractions of their life that normally impede prayer fall away, and they can meet God all over again in true, sincere, real prayer.)

Our church has five rooms. The main church room (which I would call a sanctuary, but it isn’t really...), a nursury, a kitchen, a kids room, and a meeting room. We gave each room a certain theme of prayer and tried to create something experiential that would be something different. With some rooms, the main thing was to create a place of difference, where it felt nothing like the outside world, where the ambiance was designed to bring quietness of spirit and meditation.

The first stage was Adoration. We were in the big room, and we decided to have a little “musique de fond”, so we played Handel’s Messiah in the background. We also played a video with images of creation and the marvels of the universe... Like Victoria Falls in south-west Africa, or tropical fish, or a volcano, or an eclipse, or pictures of galaxies far away, or lightning electricity in different forms... The mix of image and sound is a powerful thing. But all that is only background. We read Psalm 103 together and concentrated for a little while on the beauty of God. It is funny, but during the whole adoration thing I was thinking about how much different it will be when we can worship God when we are looking at Him. Right now, I am amazed and humbled and can do nothing but worship God when I look at the mountains around here. (Grenoble is in the middle of the French Alpes, it is breathtaking!) Or every time I see the stars, or when I think about how all matter is made up of basically the same stuff: molecules and atoms, they are just put into different patterns. The complexity of Creation is beautiful, and its grandeur, and its mystery... All that is great, but they are not even glimmers of what it would be like to look into the face of God. What Bliss that will be! So while creation invites me to worship, I can’t help but get anxious to jump through time to the day when I see God for what He is, and not by only what he has created. Revenons, donc, à nos moutons... (back to the story) After reading Psalm 103, we prayed prayers of Adoration for about twenty minutes. That is something that I think might be lacking in a lot of people’s prayer lives. How much to you simply tell God how much you love Him? Do you find yourself asking most of the time, and then thanking a bit... But not really ever expressing how you ADORE your creator? When we concentrate, it isn’t hard to express our love for our God. Or it shouldn’t be... :)

After Adoration, we split into two groups, Matthew leading one and me and Jean-Yves leading one. So for us, Confession was the next step. For Confession, we used the Nursury, the only room in the building without windows. We wanted it dark. We stripped the room of all of the nursery stuff and draped cloth around for effect. There were pillows on the floor and candles in little tins all around the room which provided the only light. Psalm 51 was projected up on one of the sheets hanging from the ceiling. There were two crosses, one in one corner with candles around it, kind of like an altar. Then in another corner was a rough cross made out of two raw pieces of wood. Bach’s Sarabande- concerto for the violin- helped cultivate the ambiance. I had to explain the procedure before we went into the room, because the room was to be in silence during the whole experience except for the musique de fond. We take off our shoes at the door, as a symbol that we are going into a place of difference. We go in, I have my friend Christian read the Psalm. We turn off the projector. We meditate for a little while on what the Psalm said and how David approached God in confession. Then we think about how the New Covenant allows us to come to God, much in the same way, but with a different mindset. Then we take a piece of paper and write out our confessions, including specifics, details, all of it. Honest... writing it out... (if you have never done this, try it. Seeing your darkest most secret sins in writing is quite powerful, and it helps one to see how ugly they really are.) We write our sins, but also a prayer of confession, and we give our sins away. Mentally, we bury them at the cross. Then, in silence, we fold up our confession, we move toward the cross in the corner, pick up the hammer and a nail that are found there, we nail our sins to the cross. We do this as a symbol, in remembrance of how our sins were payed for, of the pain and anguish that our GOD went through to remain just but be merciful at the same time. We remember that it was us who put Jesus there, that it was us who pounded the nails... These symbolic actions take on some of the same meanings as Communion. But what the symbol represents is powerful, and when we confront it in this way, it changes us. Several people are brought to tears while doing this. (We put our sins down there, and we also resolve to not pick them back up when we get up and walk away. There is an image that I saw in a french book that I was reminded of... There is a man who is carrying a huge sack of burden on his back. He is bent over, he can barely walk. He is panting and his burden disables him. He takes this burden to the cross where he sets it down, kneels and prays thanks to Jesus that He will take our burdens on Himself. Then the man gets up, picks the burden back up and walks off. And God looks down from heaven, thinking “?!?!?!” I think we often do that with confession. We confess, but we don’t repent, or we don’t let God truly take the burden off. Whether it be guilt or lack of repentence, we are still disabled by whatever that sin burden was. If we do that, what was the point of confessing. We obviously didn’t expect to be forgiven, because we haven’t let ourselves be forgiven.) We get up from the cross, and we look at two verses posted on the wall, and meditate on them in prayer. “Je ne te condamne pas non plus. Va, mais désormais, ne pèche plus.” –Jésus -Jean 8.11 “Si, au contraire, nous avouons nos péchés, il est fidèle et juste et, par conséquent, il nous pardonnera nos péchés et nous purifiera de tout le mal que nous avons commis.” 1 Jean 1:9 (Neither do I condemn you, go, and sin no more. John 8.11 « If on the contrary, we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and purify us from all the evil that we have committed. 1 John 1.9) Then i get up and announce that everyone is to leave in peace, in liberation, and in repentance. If anyone needs more time, they are to stay there and talk to God. We leave in peace.

The next step is « Requête » (supplication : talking to God about our personal needs). The room is darkly lit by three candles in the middle of the table. Everyone sits down, facing each other. The light from the candles keeps the room quiet, as it shines dimly on the faces of each person. The ambiance remains sombre, but hopeful, as wordless music expressing reserved hope plays softly in the background. There are sheets of paper, envelopes, and pens on the table, and a mailbox. We write letters to God. For some reason, writing things out always changes how we think. At least for me it does. It focuses us. There has to be some sort of flow, some link from thought to thought. It impedes distraction. We continue to write for about five minutes, and then we put the letter in the envelope with our own address on it, and « send » it to God. (In two months, everyone will receive their letter in the mail, to look at how God may have answered these prayers.) When everyone finishes, we share our needs and pray for one another. « Je le répète, si vous demandez quelque chose en mon nom, je le ferai. » Jean 14.14 (I repeat, if you ask something in my name, i will do it. -John 14.14)

The next stage is Intercession. We move into the kitchen which is transformed into a shrine of remembrance. Two walls are covered with white paper and there is already writing on it. The are markers all over a table in the middle of the room. There are off-white cloths that cover everything the other two walls so that it ceases to carry any feeling of kitchen. Floor to ceiling, the cloths bring some sort of feeling of foreignness. As they drape over everything, the way the gravity pulls them reminds me of the flowing robes that are worn anywhere from Israel all the way to South Asia... turbans, deserts, of strange lands that i have never seen. For some reason, it transported me, it reminded me of how big this world is, of how small my experience is, and of how many people there are in this world, most of whom don’t know the love of Jesus Christ. As we enter, we watch a little photo journey around the world. It takes us to the poorest countries in the world, to places torn by civil war, to the offices of the most powerful men in the world, to children abused by neglect, to places of famine, and into the homes of Christians who have to hide their faith in order to not be taken to jail by their anti-Christian governments. Then we write on the walls our prayers of intercession, the places that we think of when something stimulates us to pray for something foreign. Do we think about children who are victims of injustic ? Do we think of the persecuted in China ? Do we think of our president, George Bush, or Saddam Hussein, who are on the verge of a potentially very very destructive war which could have very serious ramifications on all of our futures ? All these subjects and a hundred others are written on these walls. Then we pray together. We ask God to intervene. We ask God to use His power to reach down in this world and releive it for some moments from the torment that we have created.

The next step is Engagement. The room is filled with light shinging through the windows, as if through stain glass, because they are covered with silk paintings that Sylvie (matt’s wife). They bring the feeling of hope and change, of life and renewal. After focusing on the evils and pain in the world in the Intercession room, the light and color of this room balances out some of the negative emotion, and this stage gives us something to do with it. We read the text of 2 Peter 1. 2-8. We decide to engage ourselves, to give ourselves to God to be used. We write our vows on a bookmark, in order to keep them with us, in our heads, in our lives. We use the gifts God has given us for His glory.

We move to Reconnaissance (thankfulness). Back to the big room, where we prayed prayers of Adoration, we have come full circle. While our adoration of our father is rarely for who or what He is ; but somehow we find it easy to adore Him for what He does for us. But that is why prayers of thanks were separated from adoration... to make the distinction. So in a similar but still different spirit, we pray thanksgiving to our Father in Heaven, provider, redeemer, creator, and lover. « A tout moment et pour toutes choses, vous remerciez Dieu le Père au nom de notre Seigneur Jésus Christ. » Ephesiens 5.20 (Every moment, and for every thing, give thanks to the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 5.20)









 

3:20 PM : I am so sick of this Iraq thing. Everywhere I go, French people ask me what I think about the war. They want to find some American to criticize. I haven’t figured out what I think about what my government is doing, because I feel that all the media puts their own twists on the facts, and I don’t really see a lot that convinces me that it is true. But what really gets me is people that have it all figured out. I meet people all the time here that think they know exactly why America is doing what it is doing, and pushing for action against Iraq. It doesn’t bother me that people have beliefs, it is that they are so sure of them. They eat up whatever the media feeds them. I know the media in the States is bad. And people do it in the states too. But worse is, the French media criticizes the American media all the time, (which isn’t such a bad thing) except for the fact that the French media isn’t any better. In criticizing the American media, the French (yes I am generalizing, forgive me) think that their media is so much better, as if theirs is more grounded in the truth. They are doing the same things. I just watched about an hour of the French news. I haven’t been exposed to much of the French television media, because the family I lived with last year wouldn’t let me in the TV room, and the family I live with now doesn’t have cable. But I saw the way they represent Americans. They take the worst things in our media: quotes out of context, quotes from extremists, etc. and show them as if they are the norm in America. No wonder they all hate America. Their media is propaganda machine every bit as much as ours has ever been. I HAVE seen both sides, both US and French media, and if anyone who reads this would like to contest, please feel free to put something on the message board. (If it is appropriate)

I was having coffee with my friend Yann, a French guy who I hung out with quite a bit last year, at a cafe in the center of town. Yann is a cool guy, and he is pretty reasonable. They have a new barman, and it was the first time I had met him. From the beginning, he brought up the Iraq thing, and then we watched the show on the TV together. He started going off about the propaganda in America, and I just looked at him and said, “you think that the show we just watched wasn’t propaganda?!? You think that was a just representation of my country?!?” I was so frustrated.

I hate it. I don’t want to go to war. I don’t know enough to have any real foundation to make any judgements about it. But one thing that I will take a stance on, the war isn’t about what the French think it is. They think that America is going in only to force our western standards on everyone in the Middle East, they think we are going in only for oil. They think that our president has the power take out his personal agenda against Saddam Hussein. They think he is a dictator. This is exactly what this barman said. I saw nothing on the show today about there being a possible threat in Iraq. I saw nothing that showed there might be a sliver of truth in the possibility that Saddam Hussein has nuclear warheads and biological weapons. Or that America might actually really be trying to do what they say: take a preventative approach to the weapons of mass destruction issue... I AM NOT FOR WAR, but I don’t claim to have all the answers. And I urge people not to just eat up what is popular in the media, or to eat up what is popular to go against.



One thing that I have heard, that I agree with, is that there will be massive ramifications if the US goes to war. Especially if we are unsupported by the UN and other countries around the world. There will be a severe hatred for the US in the Arab world if we do this. Much of the world already hates us, but I truly believe it will be nothing compared to what will be if we don’t prove that we have reason to do what we are doing. The Muslim world already has a serious hatred for my country, which has been shown already. (I know that what happened on 9-11 does not represent the general Muslim world’s views, but the feelings are there anyway) I have a serious fear that if the US goes to war in Iraq, there will be a massive uprising of terrorism against the United States. There will be war waged against the US. And it won’t be any country in specific. It won’t be one group, like Al Queda.

I don’t want to say that we shouldn’t do what is right for fear of that, because if we cower because of fear, we will never do anything. If we need to do something in Iraq, I think we should do it. But we need to know that we are starting something that won’t be over for a long time. We will see suffering in our own country that we have never seen before. The war will come to us, and it won’t be Iraq. It won’t be missiles shot from other countries. It will be suicide bombings and terrorism, within our boarders. It won’t be any longer on the other country’s turf. Just like 9-11. It will hit close to home, and it won’t stop for a long time. We have to take all that into account.

I hate thinking about all of this. I wish it would just go away. I guess all I can do is pray for those who make the decisions. For those with power, and for our enemies, whoever they really are.



Lord, I know that your truth is true for everyone, and that there is nothing that can happen in this world that will change it. I know that you love us all, every person on this planet. Help us realize that we are all your children. I pray for those people in Iraq with the power to change that country for the good. Please help them to make decisions that will lead to peace and to the growth of your Kingdom. I am so ignorant, we all are. We claim to be wise, and to have the answers, but Lord, we are so mixed up. I pray for those in my country, who have the power to change things for the good. I pray that we can find a peaceful solution and that you would give to them a super-natural wisdom with which they can make good decisions. Lord, I pray for George Bush. Let him be honest, a seeker of truth. Let him not use your name for purposes that are not yours. Let him not act like he is doing justice if he is not. Give him courage if he is doing your will. Break his will if he is acting in his own interest. Please humble us all. Let us all know that you are God. Humble my country, bring us as a nation into your service. Help us to find peace. I am afraid Lord. Please give us peace. I pray that people will be enlightened as to the truth of the situation and that we can stop believing lies. Lies of our media, lies of our own pride. I praise you Lord. Standing in this mess, I declare you my God. You forever will be, no matter what happens to me. Thank you for your immense love for us all. Help us to see each other as humans, and not beasts. As your children, and not heathens... Help us to have compassion, and to work for what is good, noble, and righteous. Help us to love what is pure, what is just, what is TRUE. In the power of the name of Jesus Christ, I pray these things. Amen.



 

3:19 PM : So, on Wednesday night, something interesting happened. I went to the Groupe Biblique Universitaire, as i always do on Wednesday nights. I have to be honest, i don’t really like this group. Jean-Yves and I have been going to kind of feel it out, and give feed back to the CEP in order to know how the churches can better support the students in Grenoble. It has a bit of a charismatic feel to it, and it seems to me that there is a lot of immature zeal there. A lot of hype, but not much profound study or real discipleship. I don’t mind being there too much, i do have friends there, and it can be good fellowship... Well, we started by singing songs, and then one of the semi-leaders of the group started reading a text out of Romans. The text was pretty long, and obviously one of the more complicated texts out of an already very complicated book of the Bible. He finished reading it, and immediately went off on a tangent, and then tried to explain grace. It all seemed kind of random, and very unprepared. He kept looking at one person across the room, as if he were giving his talk only to her. That bothered me. Then i found out that she was one of two non-Christians in the room. That bothered me even more. He singled her out and preached to her directly. She was uncomfortable, and this guy wasn’t sensitive enough to figure it out.

Then another guy spoke up. I had never seen him before, but it was apparent that he wasn’t french. His accent was fairly strong. Middle Eastern. He looked as white as any average French person, but he definitely wasn’t french. He asked a question about the old covenant and the new covenant, and how they worked. So another one of the GBU student leaders tried to take on the question, and he answered a little bit of the question. Then this guy starts asking if the people under the Old Covenant could have been saved. He thinks it is totally unfair that the people in the Old Testament missed out on Grace. Some try to answer the question with their head knowledge, but after some shuffling through pages, someone finally comes up with the answer from the Bible... That Jesus died for us all, no matter when we lived. I asked Anne, my friend next to me, if she knew who this guy was. She said his name was Bilail, he was a Lebanese Muslim, and he had been going around to many of the different Christian groups on campus to stir things up, to ask questions, and eventually try to convince us that Islam is the true faith. Matthew told me a few weeks ago that when he spoke at the Foyer Evangelique Universitaire, this guy was there and tried to steal the show when Matthew was preaching. So, it was put in context a little where this guy was coming from.

He kept asking questions, and the group kept answering, everyone trying to get in their words, and some people trying to explain things in different ways, with different metaphors. It was a bit frustrating because some people were answering questions that they weren’t really ready to answer.

Then Joseph spoke up, and all my thoughts about Bilail, i put behind me. Joseph is the Haitian guy that me and Jean-Yves talked to at the residences a few weeks ago. He came to our church last week, and he was at the GBU. Good signs that he was taking some concrete steps in trying to move back into the faith. He said he had been reading his Bible and praying. It made me so incredibly happy to hear that he was doing so well, and seemed so motivated. Joseph basically told me and Jean-Yves last time that he wasn’t a Christian, but that he felt that God was calling him back, and he already knew Jesus was the answer. He needed God to call Him, and he said that me and Jean-Yves had a part in that. (that made me happy) So he spoke up to answer a question that Bilail had. His answer was great. He had really thought about it, and he clearly explained why the death of Jesus was great enough to cover all the sins from the beginning of time to the end of time. And how the faith of those under the Old Covenant, and their hope of the coming Messiah was what would save them. So Joseph was defending the faith.

That reminded me of a story that my dad told me. After moving up to washington, my dad met some Christians who were ex-hippies like him, and who were sharing the gospel regularly with those around them. They had shared with my father a number of times, but he had not yet made any decisions. My father said that he was with them one time when they were sharing with another guy. This other guy had a lot of questions and my dad jumped in and started answering them with apologetic answers, defending the faith. Then the Christians stopped my dad, and said, wait Jim, “where are you at, do you believe or not? Cuz you sure are talking like a believer...” My dad answered them, “Well, i guess i am a believer!”

So I started praying for Joseph. The temperature was rising in the room, and everyone else was tense and frustrated a bit with the questions of Bilail, and trying their hardest to answer his tough questions. But i was joyful and lighthearted, and praying thankfully and hopefully for Joseph and his relationship with God. The rest of the night was great for me, and i simply didn’t let anything else bother me. I was listening to what was going on in the conversations, but not focusing on it.

After we decided to conclude, we ate crèpes for a little while, i talked to some people, and then we left. I asked Jean-Yves what he thought about what happened, and he said that he was frustrated and sad. He said that a lot of the people in the room showed so little understanding of the scriptures and that they seemed so content to show what they did know, that they were blind to how much they really were struggling. He was very very frustrated. He said that it made him sad because, as a young Christian group, we collectively didn’t know how to answer this guy’s questions, and collectively, we didn’t know the Word. And if you don’t know the Word of God, you don’t know God... I thought Jean-Yves was over reacting a little bit, but after thinking about it, i think he is right. I don’t know my Bible nearly as well as i should. I don’t have a passion to know the Word like i have a passion to know God... But my misunderstanding is that if i do know the Word, i will know God so much more. That is the point of this whole story. If i know the word of God, i know God...

Another thing that Jean-Yves said shocked me. He said that this guy was not coming into the group to learn about God, he was coming in to tear up the harmony we are trying to create in studying God and His word. Jean-Yves saw this guy as a wolf coming in to the flock, and that the right, (and hardest) thing to do, would have been to tell him to hold his questions for another time, and if he persisted, show him to the door. That still shocks me a little bit, and seems a little bit off. But there is truth in it. We were there to learn about a specific passage, and this guy came in and started throwing these big questions around to try and instill doubt in anyone he could. He had gone to several groups on other occasions and done the same thing. He ruins the harmony of the group and changes the goal of that meeting to answering his questions, while has no intentions of listening to those answers.

I have to say, i admire his courage. I don’t think i would have the courage to seek out all the Muslim groups on campus, visit them, and try to evangelize them...





Wow, other things to write about.



Today is me and Emily’s one year and a half anniversary. I have to say, it has been incredible. All of it. I have had my doubts and worries over the past year and a half, but we have grown so much that all of those are not really worries any more for me. I said in one of my journals about a month ago that me and Emily had a bit of a crisis. I came to the point where i needed something in the relationship, and up to that point it was a big worry. I felt like it was holding us back. Finally, i realized that honesty is the best policy, and i bluntly talked to her about it. That opened up a whole world of things that we needed to talk about, but it opened up so many doors for us to share more with each other, and i feel like it opened up our ability to really see each other. Right now, i feel like our relationship just started. Like the infatuation period is just starting. Like everything is new, full of life, and hope... I love it. This year and a half have been filled with hope. Everything i learn about her is something more to love.

I just talked to her the other night, and it almost hurt to talk to her, because i miss her so much. I have been a bit homesick lately, and (sorry mom) it has mostly been because i miss Emily. I miss living at the house with the guys, and being able to go home and visit my folks, and all sorts of things, but I definitely miss her the most. Crazy huh? You would think that i am used to it, and i didn’t understand why Emily was disappointed that i was coming back to france. I thought that it wouldn’t be any different than any other quarter. She is always in Colorado, and i am always in Washington... But the distance really does make a difference. Don’t know how or why, but it does. I have never really like valentine’s day, but it kinda sucks when you do have a girlfriend, and you can’t see her. I know it is a commercial holiday and all that, but it just amplifies things... oh well.

God Bless all!















 

8:27 AM : Lord, i remember you, how you died, how you took my guilt from me.

Because you are good, and your love endures forever.

I remember that you were broken, that your blood spilled from your body, how you weeped in pain, but how much more you weeped for your people.

Because you are good, and your love endures forever.

I look at the skies, i see your glory, i look at the mountains, they show the perfect craftsmanship of the Perfect Voice.

Because you are good, and your love endures forever.

The beauty of your face is only a glimmer of imagination deep within my heart, but how it makes me rejoice!

Because you are good, and your love endures forever.

You guide me into abundance and life with your Word and with your spirit.

Because you are good, and your love endures forever.

You brought me back into your flock when i had gone astray. You drew me close, as your child whom you love.

Because you are good, and your love endures forever.

You gave me gifts and blessed me with peace. You taught me your decrees so that i can keep my way pure.

Because you are good, and your love endures forever.

You gave me a family who loves me, and whom i love. You are our God.

Because you are good, and your love endures forever.

You have shown me human love, and i will rejoice in your creation. As man and woman are your temples, so we will keep them pure. Oh, How she is beautiful, your daughter who also bears your image.

Because you are good, and your love endures forever.

May your goodness guide us, may your love teach us still how to love. May our love be a reflection of your unselfish love to the world.

Because you are good, and your love endures forever.

Jesus, you are my King. Spirit, you are my Guide and my Love. God, you are my Father who loves me.

Oh, Three-Personed God, You are my Joy!

Because you are good, and your love endures forever.

 

3:38 AM : All the stuff posted below was written over the past week, starting at the Dawn European Network conference in Switzerland, and finishing last night... it is a lot to chew on, so i recommend reading it in chunks, if you actually do read all through it... Anyway, God Bless All you back in my beloved country... :)  

3:37 AM : I don’t quite know how to express myself right now. I just finished a huge day. This conference has been huge. I am at the DAWN European Network conference, 2003, in Interlaken, Switzerland. We started the day with worship and adoration for the beauty that God has created. Interlaken is covered in a blanket of snow, from the mountaintops of the Jungfrau to the flat expanse of the valleys. It is wonderful. It is different. It inspires. God’s beauty is proven once again to be the first motivator for me to love Him. To return the love for the CREATOR. In the beginning, God CREATED. I also had the pleasure of taking a track course on emerging culture from one of the Emergent experts, Andrew Jones, a New Zealander who is currently consulting on emerging culture ministry from Prague in the Czech Republic. We discussed Post-modernity, but basically didn’t hit anything concrete. We discussed what it wasn’t, and gave one word descriptions about what it might be, or a word that might somehow describe it. Chaos is one word that I came up with. The beauty in the chaos that God created. That everything appears to be chaos to us, but actually is ordered in God’s enormous design. Or that possibly God is the only one to be able to create chaos in its purest form. I don’t know which. And that there is true beauty in the way a snowflake falls. Or a gleam of light that ruined a picture that we took, but didn’t find out until we got the film back and found that we can see it as beautiful. The beauty in imperfection, of the unfinished, unconcluded... Experience before explanation... Not “what?” but “how...” Release of creativity. Lomography. Loop, thread, layer, track. Continuity... OPEN TO THE PAST. Not singularity, but MODULARITY. A word’s meaning comes only from what one perceives or believes that word to mean. Moment. All these ideas are so vague, but only describe a little about what the post-modern experience really is. Those are the goals for the emerging culture church to get in touch with. A place where there is an experience with God that doesn’t worry about anything else but the experience itself. It desires to create an experience before explaining to the person what it means. It means reaching after genuine, honest, transparency. Openness to experience/see/worship God in different ways... Very interesting, very thought provoking. I have realized that even though I haven’t heard it put in so many words, I have experienced and been a part of the shift to an emerging culture church experience. The fourth service at Hillcrest Chapel is a classic example. The lights are low, it is experiential, with candles lighting the speaker instead of spotlights. There is an atmosphere of detachment from the outer world, of shelter, of difference, of holiness, of quietness, of meditative thought, of abstinence... In the discussion today, I cited the change I went through, from discovering how a guitar solo can be an amazing worship tool. The first time I saw a guitar solo at Cornwall Park Church in Bellingham, I was disgusted. I thought it was a sick mockery of worship, of trying to make worship a rock show in order to be attractive. I still disagree a bit with the way they did it, but when I saw a guitar solo less than a year later at Hillcrest, I was challenged to look at it in a different light. It was a time where we didn’t have to sing. Where we could meditate, enjoy the gift of music, dance, and worship with a quiet joyful spirit. Where the act of singing could no longer be a distraction. We could simply be still, and know that HE IS GOD... The music is moving, but our soul is doing something else. It is still, in adoration. I have been studying adoration for a project I am doing at the CEP with Jean-Yves. Something keeps coming back to my head. Although we have the Psalms, worship music, poems, books, and other forms of literature that adore God with words, the most accurate way we can simply adore God is to BE SILENT, and KNOW THAT HE IS GOD. To simply experience Him without trying to put words to it. To LOVE Him without action, but with a spirit engaged in simply loving. That is what adoration is...

After the track session, a German born Swiss man named Clemenz seemed to take an interest in me. I told him the other day at lunch that I was interested in listening to God’s call. He offered to talk to me a little bit about calls. When we went off to talk together, I realized this was a very interesting man. He came in a suit, wearing a neat tie, tie clip, matching perfectly and looking the part of a stylish Swiss businessman. He is doing humanitarian aid. He leads Global Hand, a non profit distributor of food and health care supplies to suffering nations. He speaks with confidence, even an air of pride that he knows a little bit more than others do. That he has done the necessary reading, and the necessary thought to justify his positions is relatively evident. He speaks German, Swiss-German (of which he claims are actually very different), English, Latin (yes, understands, and could speak Latin...) Hebrew and Greek. Probably a bit of French and Italian also... He claims to have the New Testament nearly memorized... He told me something that i guess i had never thought of before... It was what Jesus said about paying taxes. Jesus asked, “whose face is on the coin?” The disciples answered, “Caesar’s.” Jesus replied, “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s, Give to God what is God’s...” The meaning is: WE BEAR THE IMAGE OF GOD. We belong to God because we bear the Imago Dei... and we should give to God what belongs to Him. (Ourselves)

...Now, he started asking me a bit about myself, where I was in my faith, what I thought about people, France, the Christian life. He seemed really impressed by me, or intrigued, or something. The fact that he is a philosopher, and obviously a thinker, made it quite a compliment, (at least in my mind) that he took such an interest. But he spoke of some of his decisions in life, the places that he has completely messed up. He was a truck driver for a long time. His father was a philosopher, and is very very well known in the philosophy world. He started humanitarian aid about seven years ago, and is running the Global Hand organization, which deals with countries all over the world, supplying food to the forgotten, and to the poor. He has some very strong beliefs that these are interesting times, and that we will live soon what the first century saw. There will be apostles, prophets, huge numbers of people coming into the kingdom. It sounds almost like triumphalism, but he is nothing like the detached pride or stick-your-tongue-out-cuz-we-already-won mindset... it is real... (sorry for the generalization, but i will justify that comment if you like) He asked me if I really was willing to listen to God’s call. He said there were levels of what we could do for God. There are some who are called to give up all, who are called to live lives of misery, pain, and suffering for Christ. These are the apostles, in the tradition of Paul, who are celibate, dedicated to the bone, and transformed in spirit. There are also those more common brothers who are called to service, but are not called to something so extreme. He said that God might call us to both of these, but He leaves it up to me to decide. He said it intrigued him a lot to see me, who he could see taking on the role of apostle... Then we talked about Emily. I told him about our relationship a little, about questions i had about missions, and how that works in a relationship. He explained that it is a beautiful thing to have a wife. He spoke with passion about what an amazing thing it is to love. To really love with your whole spirit. His metaphor for love was that you could say, “if i was a girl, that is who i would want to be.” That scared me a bit, because i don’t really say that about Emily, but i might be able to when i see all the layers peeled off of her. I am still learning about her. I don’t yet know her, but these last few weeks have been incredible. I love her more now than i ever imagined. But when i explained these things to my Clemenz, he said that it might be a choice between taking the road of the apostle and being celibate, or to marry Emily (or whoever God has for me...:), and take a road where there is more security. He explained how women need more security, and a child would need the most security in a family of three, father, mother, and child. He said that it would be absolutely wrong to marry, and then expect that my wife follow me into the horrors of the world to do the work of God. If i took Emily out of security, into danger, into non-provision, I would be doing a greater disservice than good. That hit me. I have never given much thought to the possiblity of being celibate in the mission field. I can’t imagine it. I can’t see myself that way. He told me that he thought he wouldn’t be able to function without a wife, because of the normal desires that God gives us men. He said he wouldn’t maintain a pure life unless he was married. I kind of see myself that way. I need a helper, to help me be myself.... I need a friend. I need a wife. I need to be open to the fact that God could strip that from me, and i don’t want that to happen, but i think that i would be less effective without the hope of having that companionship. So... do i grasp onto that only because it justifies holding onto the security that i myself wish i had? Does it justify my desire to keep all those creature comforts that i am battling to get out of my life?

He also challenged my belief that i needed to get out of the US and to come to France. He said there is a reason God planted us where He planted us, and unless I am confident that there is something specific that i can bring to France, i should stay in the states and continue ministry there. That was something that i had never considered. He didn’t want to discourage me from coming to france, but he said if i come, i need to come indefinately, or at least with very long term intentions. I need to be committed to learning the culture fully so that i could be effective, and so that i wouldn’t be offensive to the culture when i share the gospel with them. I don’t know how that might change my perceptions about where i fit, or what my plans should be, but it is something huge to think about.... wow, it is midnight, and i should get to bed. I am sure tomorrow is going to be quite a day as well.

February 2, 2003









Just heard a message of what i would call thinking triumphalism. Triumphalism has always bothered me, because it seems so cut and dry, that God is going to make all things easy, and it seems like it is built more on hope of personal glory than on real faith that God can move among us. A Dutch guy named Mark just gave one of the most powerful messages i have ever heard. He talked about holding fast to our calling, and looking at that calling as a promised land. When we hold fast to the promised land, and stand in the face of discouragement, God will follow through. When we STAND ON THE PROMISES OF GOD, we can not fall. It will not always be easy, but we can not fall. Caleb and Joshua are the only ones who actually saw the promised land, because they refused to be discouraged. They refused to believe that they had mistaken the voice of God, and that they might have heard something else. God took Gideon, and cut his army to three hundred. Then God led them into battle against a hundred and twenty thousand. They were victorious. Gideon stood on the promises of God. The missionaries who went to the slaves being marketed via the Carribean sold themselves into slavery in order to witness to them. They did what Jesus did. They lowered themselves, and paid the price with their lives, in order to gain what God had promised: victory over the darkness that held those people, and they came to Christ. Those people convicted the slave masters in turn that they beleived so firmly in God that they would do such a thing to witness to the slaves...

We have to be taught to long for our promised land. When we see a promised land, we need to long for it, and trust that God will work out the details. When our passion is ignited, and our resolve is behind it, God will use us. He will work out the details. He will lead us. When Moses saw the promised land, God told him to walk it... WALK IT. KNOW IT. Mark hiked all of Luxembourg, north to south, east to west, boarder to boarder. He did the same in Switzerland. He knows the land; he knows the culture. We should know exactly what our Promised Land is, and we should defend it, declare it prophetically to belong to the Lord. When we stand on the promises of God, and we declare the promise, God will give us authority. Real authority. It doesn’t make things easy, but there will be authority. Faith is key. Faith is not easy, and the circumstances will not be easy, but stand firm and press on toward the goal.

February 3, 2003





The day after the conference. It was quite a trip. I realize that a lot of quite crazy stuff happened. I just finished a short conversation with my parents, and i realize that it probably sounds a bit strange or over the edge when i tell the stories. I have always been wary of charismatics who think that everyone is a prophet, and that you aren’t really praying unless you are praying in another language, most often one that doesn’t exist... Anyway, that is probably what this conference will sound like when i explain stuff. No, there wasn’t any slaying in the spirit, or even a lot of tongues praying... :) But there was a man from Malawi, Africa who felt that God was telling him specific things for His people, so he was telling us his message. He was very humble, a welcome change for a self-proclaimed prophet, and he explained some of the things that the church in Europe needs to do to be in line with God’s wishes. He didn’t say anything shocking, and it seemed pretty biblical. I prayed the whole time that God’s truth would reign, and that He would give me a discerning spirit... I sensed nothing false. So i accepted that this man is really a man with the gift of prophecy.

During the whole thing, I was praying. It was an intimate moment with God, where i felt that the usual difficulty of prayer was eliminated. The barrier between seen and unseen was no longer present, and i felt as if i were simply talking with God. A thought kept coming back to me. There was impurity in the room; it needed to be dealt with. I felt that there was someone who was in a severe battle with personal sin, and it was holding them back. So i prayed for release. I had no idea who it was; i didn’t try to guess. I just prayed for release and renewal. I found later that one of the men that i had been talking to experienced a great release that night. He explained that at that moment, he was looking around the room, and thinking simply how pure and righteous the men in the room were, and how he wasn’t. He had been struggling with a personal unspoken sin for a long time, and it was his shame. He broke down during the meeting, and without anyone knowing, confessed and was released. I thought it was pretty cool. And no, it wasn’t some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy...







So another thing that happened at the conference was the talk about Emerging Culture, and emerging generation churches. This was actually the main thing that I focused on during the conference. I talked about it already, but i have other things to say. There was a track of study with Andrew Jones, a leading consultant on Post-Modern Churches and Emerging Culture. He is one of the co-founders of Emergent, i think. Go to his weblog/site at www.tallskinnykiwi.blogspot.com There are articles and all sorts of neat stuff. Anyway, he is a 39 year old who looks younger and older than that. He looks worn a bit, but keeps an air of twenty something avant-garde coolness. Don’t know... He is like 6-6 and skinny. Hence, tallskinnykiwi. His ideas on the whole post-modern thing were really cool, but i realized that none of it was new to me. The terminology was new, but i had been living in a “post-modern church culture” for the past six or seven years. Or at least i have been in touch with it. It was first evident in the opening up of the Christian Music Industry. About eight years ago, there was a break through. People realized that there were real musicians, making real music. Made by Christians, for Christians AND non-Christians... and much of it was faith focused. So people started selling it in Christian music stores. Unfortunately, much of the steam has already passed. It was the fault of Ska... Ska was cool, but it ruined the potential for the thing to continue to stay strong. It blew up. It got too big. It fit in too well with the youth group culture, and it became another cliche of the modern church experience. Then the real musicians in the scene started to get annoyed at the expectations that were put on them by the churches because of their new found success. I am planning on reading “Simplicity” by Mark Solomon soon. I heard it is good, and it explains what i mean a bit. ANYWAY, that was the first evidence in my life of the whole post-modern Christian experience. SO that led me into the culture of Christian punk, goth, hardcore, techno, and hippy music. It was great. Finally, something that was real. No more contrived, smiley happy people worship services... When these people worshipped, it was real. When they sang, it was with passion. When they moshed, it was because there is a real feeling to do something physical when overcome with emotion. (have you ever been so mad that you hit something, slammed your fist on a table, or wanted to? I think moshing is a healthy way of getting the physical aggression out.) So i still listen to all of this music, though not nearly as much as early college or high school.

The point: I started to dislike the stuffyness of church culture. I knew there was something more to God. I knew there were different ways to approach God that were less boring. Ways that approached more closely His heart’s desire. I felt like modern church culture was missing the point... I knew that we can and should express ourselves with our whole being. With creativity, music, thought, abstraction, awe, poetry, openness. Love for people. Love for creation. Love for Him, most of all. There were people who were giving the church service back to God. They were worshipping they way they knew how. They were using their talents, their tastes, their own love to give back to God. And this was no less pleasing to God than giving God the worship in the forms that their parents saw fit. I don’t know where i am going with this exactly... let’s move on.

The second major thing that made me realize that church could be different was when church got different. Like i said above, it was at Hillcrest Chapel that i first saw a church that was more honestly approaching God with worship that could be real. The overwhelming sense that the church is truly after God’s heart was so evident to me when i went there. They worry less about form, and more about creating a place where corporate worship can really happen. They still have the traditional structure of church, which is great, but there will be changes. Crap, i gotta do something else. This is just too much to do all at once. More coming... hopefully.



Here are a few excerpts from Andrew Jones’ articles on post-modernity, which are available at his website mentioned above... Used without permission. (Don’t be mad Andrew, share the love)



“... But some of us think that our present church culture is not always ethically superior or worthy of export. Rather, we have backslid over the years into embracing capitalism, an unhealthy independence, the worship of self, the abuse of the environment and the persecution of margin-dwellers. Unbelievers no longer are attracted by the light of American Cultural Christianity. Some pagans think themselves more spiritual than church people. We are in a sorry state and guess what - our modernistic Christianity is to blame for much of it. Is our church culture really worth shielding from the critics arrows? If our church culture is damaged, relevant to a generation-now-gone, and in desperate need of re-thinking and redeeming, then, duuuude, lets re-examine it. The church is continually confronted with a changing world. Our goal is not to preserve church culture but to preserve the power of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is this gospel that must stay the same. The only way for us to keep it the same is to change. Sameness is therefore the goal of our change, for if we do not change, then the gospel loses its relevancy.”

“... the Wabi-sabi philosophy that currently underlies the internet. Wabi-sabi, a Japanese concept, is the way of the new and unfinished (Wabi) as it interacts with the aged and wise (the Sabi). Early internet aspirations were based more on Teilhard de Chardin's 'Omega Point', the idea that everything was progressively evolving towards a unifying harmonizing . . . (ah, I cant think of the word - excuse my wabi). Early web sites were saturated with "Under Construction" signs, as if their value was in the future rather than the present. But Wabi-sabi is the way of the NOW. The raw, fresh, unfinished work in progress is valued for what it is now, rather than what it will be when it is completed. Modernity's fascination with "becoming" is giving way to the unapologetic "being" of current postmodern art. I have never yet used a spell check on my blog and I try to let the words come out as I think them without trying to process them into being correct or tidy.”





 

2:50 AM : Here is another section out of an email where I explained a few of the events and thoughts i have experienced recently.......................

Jean-Yves opened the group last night by asking us (going around in a circle) what really annoyed us. What we hated that other people do. Honestly, the first thing that came to mind for me was that a lot of Christians seem to criticize other Christians for not “working hard enough.” Honestly, i have heard, and felt quite a bit, that i don’t really know where i am going in life. But i have a confidence that God is going to guide me, and that i haven’t had my path cleared before me for a reason. God is waiting for something. But what gets me is when people judge me. They have no right. I am doing what i feel God is telling me to do right now, and that is it. It isn’t that i am not willing to work hard to gain a life worth living, in fact, it is that I AM TRYING ME BEST TO BE DEPENDENT ON GOD rather than on what kind of financial security i can create by getting a great job. I have even thought of trying to avoid that kind of life because so many people that i see in that lifestyle seem completely dependent on things other than God... i.e. money, possessions... (Even if they are Christians, Even if they are active in their churches, Even if they seem like great followers of God) ...Ok, so after everyone answers the question, Jean-Yves tells us about a psychological study he read that said the things that most annoy us are often the things we are guilty of doing... So he asked us to honestly assess ourselves if we are guilty of the things we said we hated... I thought about it... I think, honestly, the reason i hate seeing people that are dependent on things other than God and hearing those same people tell me what my life should be about is because I STRUGGLE to not be dependent on those things myself. (obviously) But seriously, i am having such a huge battle right now trying to say HONESTLY to God that i will do whatever He wants of me. i.e. (I DON’T WANT TO LIVE IN FRANCE MY WHOLE LIFE!!!) But i kinda feel a little bit of a call anyway. I keep hoping that once i get home, i can get a great job, and God will all-of-a-sudden call me to some part-time ministry in the states where i can live a comfortable suburban life... That is honestly what i want, but i am pretty sure that is not what God wants of me. And i have so much fear of that. I have so much fear of not having what i want. Of not having a sweet stereo, or a budget to go on vacations, of not being able to eat out when i want... So i am having a lot of trouble with the idea of being dependent on God. With the idea of having to trust Him to provide, and just go where he calls me. Obviously, wherever he calls me, i will do whatever it takes to be responsible with money, and to do whatever i can to build a secure future with it... But the future of my investments needs to come in second by a longshot... So, i am struggling with dependence... wow

This is getting to be a long email... :O

So anyway, last night, i did the whole lectio divina thing with Lamentations, and that went well, then i threw in a few thoughts on Rest in Christ that we talked about... Hebrews 4:11-13 I tried to link it with the text from Lamentations by saying that God loves us, he has compassion for us in times of weakness, depression, (the tough times) and then by saying we can rest in the fact that He knows us so completely. I gave the example of a confession i had made and how i felt so much peace afterwards about it because it was in the open. Well, i said that we can rest in the fact that we can’t hide any weaknesses or sins from God, and that because of that, God knows exactly what we are going through, whether it be guilt, depression, spiritual dryness... whatever... I was a little afraid that my ideas got lost in the mix, because some of it was kinda hard to communicate. But Jean-Yves told me today that he really appreciated what i had to say, and he said it was very clear, and very concise... He said he thought it was cool how i said what i wanted to say, and didn’t say any more. That surprised me a lot, because i was afraid that i wasn’t being clear, and that when i brought the idea of Rest in with the encouragement from Lamentations, that it just got mixed up and i didn’t make the proper link. But I guess God helped me... :)

In any case, i was a lot more confident than i was last year, and i am now pretty confident in my ability to communicate when i need to, even more so because i didn’t have the opportunity to prepare much yesterday...

So this is going to be a freaking huge email... sorry. But i have to tell you about tonight. I was hanging out with Jean-Yves. (yes, we do see each other everyday, and we do work together a ton...) We went by the student residence to meet some people who had responded to a survey a couple months ago. We talked to a guy named Joseph who is studying in France. He is from Haiti. We chit-chatted for a while, and he offered us a chair. We asked him a few questions about where he was spiritually, and he told us that his parents are Christians, and that they always said the choice was up to him to decide if he was a Christian or not. So, he told us he was pretty far from having a meaningful relationship with God but that he was open. He was so honest, it totally shocked me. He admitted that he needed to search more fervently for God because he knows that God exists, but he hasn’t made much effort to reach out for him. After a while, he seemed to break down and he just said, (in french) “wow, i am really glad you guys came by here. I keep thinking to myself that i just need God to give me some motivation to seek Him, and i need people to pray for me or with me or something...” So me and j-y offered to pray with him, and then he prayed. And then he said afterward that he was pretty sure it was God who sent us there to encourage him, and that it made a big difference. We got his number, and we are going to go back and pray with him from time to time... Is that cool or what?!? His honesty just hit me so hard, and how he finally just said blatantly that God was talking to him through us... wow, how is that for encouragement for me and Jean-Yves...

Then we went to another guy’s room. A chinese guy, who is actually a visiting professor. We knocked on his door to give him his little bible calendar that we were giving in response to his response to the survey... (that was a weird sentence...) Anyway, he didn’t speak any french, but he spoke a little english. It was funny that i was with Jean-Yves to go this time, cuz Jean-Yves has been trying to get ahold of this guy for weeks to follow up, and he could never get ahold of him... Finally when we do catch up to him, i was there to communicate with him... cool huh... So that was cool to. He actually is doing the Chinese Bible study in town with the other Chinese students. So that was a real encouragement too.

Wow, that was a lot to write about. Sorry this is so long. I just had a lot to share, and i haven’t written much the last two days... Sorry..

 

2:36 AM : Hey Folks, well, my update this time is going to be a section out of an email that i wrote to my girlfriend Emily. We have been having some very stimulating discussions over email about what we are learning, and we have been eager to share our discoveries about our spiritual lives in order to encourage each other... Anyway, that is why the rest of this might refer to certain tenses or previous discussions... Anyway, here it is.....................

Ok, here goes. Here is all the stuff that I have been reading in the book about the virtues of Christ. First, Thomas (Gary Thomas, author of THE GLORIOUS PURSUIT) makes a link between the first sin, pride, and the first virtue, humility, and then to the independence/dependence issue. They are diametrically opposed. The first sin was Lucifer’s pride, he thought he could attain the glory of God. So he was cast down. The first virtue is Christ’s humility in leaving His throne in Heaven, and coming to earth the be man’s SERVANT... So in living, humility should be our goal. The virtues of Christ should be our goal. “The irony is, the more we experience the character of Christ, the more natural reason we’ll have to become prideful... If we are not careful, spiritual growth can sabotage itself.” (Thomas, 48)

I am just going to list off a bunch of lines from the book, cuz they kind of explain themselves. If they aren’t in quotation marks, they are my comments. “We don’t become humble as much as we learn to practice humility.” (49) “...How Scripture and the Christian classics define it: RADICAL GOD-DEPENDENCE... From a spiritual perspective, humility is entering into the life of Christ through a radical God-Dependence. It’s an inner orientation of actively receiving from God and acknowledging our need. The humble Christian is the Christian who takes literally Christ’s words: ‘Apart from me you can do nothing.’ ...The Christian has shifted from a human-centered faith to a God-centered faith; that the root, fruit, and maintenance of his walk is dependent on God’s work, God’s favor, and God’s strength. He not only knows this; he acknowledges this and lives by this in a practical way.... Pride seeks to reverse this. Pride is self-reliance and self-dependence.” “Some of us think that after we receive God’s salvation, then everything is up to us. This self-dependence cuts off our ‘spiritual oxygen.’”

“’Social’ humility is self-forgetfulness.” (50)

“Instead of leading us into denial, [of our gifts, such as in being overly modest] Humility leads us into using our gifts to serve rather than to impress.”

“God has given each one of us a life that HE has given to no one else. We have our own character, skills, and body. Humility helps us accept an honest assessment of who we are, while daydreams about being someone else or someone better do nothing but make us spiritually hungry. Humility leads us into personal fulfillment rather than to fantasy and denial.” (54)

“Ambition grinds people. To embrace humility is to be liberated from the insatiable search for self-significance.” (55)

ABOUT DEPENDENCE AGAIN>>> GET THIS!!!

“When I think of Christ, I think of Him as a pretty capable guy, but listen to His self-testimony: “The Son can do nothing by himself” (John 5:19) “My teaching is not my own. It comes from Him who sent me.” (John 7:16) I do nothing on my own but speak just what the Father has taught me.” (John 8:28)” (Thomas, 60)



How is that for good reason to be dependent on God?!?! If Jesus, fully God and fully man, says that He can do nothing on his own... Wow, how much more do I need the help of my father in heaven to do anything of true worth.

Something that I think is implied but possibly not clear to everyone... The fact that Jesus says he can do nothing, that makes me question, “Well, didn’t I just go to church on my own, this Sunday? Don’t I make the decisions to do what I do everyday?” Well, the fact is that we do a lot of things without the help of God. We do everyday things with our free-will, we sin, and we might even do something good... But I think what Jesus is talking about is anything of TRUE WORTH... as in something that will enlarge the Kingdom of God, or bring God Glory...

What do you think?





REST: here is another thought. How you said you didn’t really know how to enter a state of REST IN GOD. Now, this isn’t exactly what we talked about, but it is pertinent. So, in Hebrews 4, the author talks about the promise of rest. Read chapter 4: 1-13. Anyway, the rest that he talks about sounds kind of like taking the Sabbath, but it also means, I think, with the implications of verses 12 and 13, that we should “stand before Him in total honesty about our loves and hates, our desires and ambitions, and recognize that this is the daily exercise of our journey of spiritual growth in Christ. We begin by saying, ‘this is exactly who I am, what I want, and what I think right now. Train me how to become like You.’” (Gary Thomas, The Glorious Pursuit, 33) So, I think God’s entering God’s rest has something to do with us knowing that we can’t hide anything from him. “There is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.... We do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin...” (13-14) So the knowledge that we have nothing to hide can give us peace. That is why we so rarely have true peace on earth. We always have something to hide from our friends, family, church family etc, a manner of presenting ourselves that is a little purer than what is really going on inside. The peace you feel after confessing something to someone is the peace of God. (That I felt after confessing a secret, I still felt horrible, but that was only fear that I wouldn’t be accepted. I felt so much better that it didn’t have any power to burn me any more from the inside. It felt like I had just taken a huge shot at Satan’s power to make me feel horrible about myself. God gave me complete peace about it.) Knowing that we have nothing to hide from God, (more like, CAN NOT hide anything from God) yet we are still accepted; that is rest. Us acknowledging that, and meditating on that... that is true rest, true peace.

 

8:01 AM : Well, it has been about a week since I have written. What has happened since then? Well, I would have to say quite a bit. Things are finally slowing down, and I feel like a rhythm is starting. It feels like I have been here for months already, but it has been just, well, not even two weeks. Like I hoped, I am making a lot of connections with the foreign students at the CUEF, (Centre Universitaire des Etudes de Français), and last week two of the American girls came to the church with me. They are Christians, and had already been going to one of the student Bible studies on campus. One of the girls is from Western, and actually goes to CCF, but I have never met her? Jesse, do you know her? Her name is Tara Smith.

Other things... I am helping Jean-Yves, another intern at the CEP (except he is there for two years and training to be a pastor), with the “Groupe des Jeunes” which doesn’t really consist of the youth like we think of them. I think I wrote about that already. Anyway, It is going really well. I am constantly amazed at what God has blessed us with as far the dynamic of the group. People seem to come willing to share. It is very rare that people open up so willingly, and I thought at first that it was a cultural thing. Often Americans feel like they have to put up a front until they confirm that they are among a safe crowd to take off the outer shell of fake personality... Anyway, I thought that maybe French people simply weren’t plagued by that type of pride or fear, but Jean-Yves told me that he was equally shocked with how open the group was. It normally takes months to get people to open up and share what they are struggling with. This week, Anne and Cecile shared that they are “dans le desert, spirituellement...” The fact that they were willing to share with people they don’t know allows us to encourage each other so much more effectively. That would normally take months to get to that point, but because they shared, we can make progress and pray for them now, while they need the help. So this week, I am responsible to find a passage in which we can really dig into, and analyze. I thought it might be appropriate to look at a text where someone in the Bible was in the desert, spiritually, or where someone was afflicted spiritually. I thought of Lamentations, where Jeremiah is lamenting that God is punishing them, asking God where he is in their time of need, and recognizing that even while being punished, God is just, and He is still the hope of Judah. I also thought of using one of the cave-Psalms, that David wrote while hiding in a cave from Saul, who was searching for him to kill him.... He asks God why he is forgotten, but always comes back to remember that God is always with him, and God is still his hope.

So, I finally contacted a girl who was coming to the University of Grenoble to do the same language program that I was doing last year, and a mutual friend put us in contact. Anyway, I went to see this Amanda girl the day before yesterday, and when I met her, she was with a Chinese guy named Zhu Lei. They had just met too, and we all decided to take a walk. So, Lei asked me what I was doing in Grenoble if I wasn’t a student, and I told him that I worked at the church. He said that he was a student of art, and the figures in the paintings that he studies are very intriguing. Figures of Christian religion, and most of all, the Man on the Cross... Jesus. So God put this open door in front of me, and then kicked me through it. I couldn’t deny that this was a perfect opportunity to share the gospel. I started to ask him what he knew of Jesus, and he said that in China, people don’t have the right to teach Christianity, so he didn’t know very much. I proceeded to explain that Jesus is the Son of God, and that he came from Heaven to earth to help men. I tried to explain the fact of sin, and why that was a separation between man and God. Then I explained that Jesus came to take care of the problem of sin, and how he took the punishment for our sin. It was hard explaining that God was supremely just, and that someone had to pay for our sin... But I think he understood. I tried to explain that we are God’s creations and that He loves us more than we could ever know, and that is why he sent Jesus to bring us back to Him. We were talking about all of this while walking over the river in downtown Grenoble, and God had so obviously set it up. While I said something about creation, Lei looked up and noticed the mountains that surrounded us, and the beauty of the river... It was amazing, but I hadn’t even really thought about it because I was caught up in what I was trying to explain... Well, at the end of the conversation, Lei said he needed to go home and eat, but he asked for my phone number, and said, “I no believe Chinese government. They wrong, no let Christians be Christians. I think I believe you, and in Jesus...” My jaw dropped, and trying to hide the level of excitement, I said enthusiastically that he was welcome to come to church with me. He said yes, and we parted. After he walked a little way down the street, Amanda looked at me, (she had been quietly listening and praying the whole time I was sharing the Gospel) and we both just started laughing with tears in our eyes, and said, “that was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced!” So anyway, that was the story of the week. I have spent too much time writing, I gotta go, but all of you back home, keep praying that God will provide more situations like this... My time here has been amazing, and I pray that I never cease to see God’s glory and to thank Him for His blessings....

 

5:03 AM : 4:49 AM : I know i am supposed to be making flyers for the church, but i just read some of nate's comments on his devotionals. I just wanna say that Nate rocks. His comments are very enlightening, and encouraging. The style of my devotionals lately have been: reading a lot, and trying to know the word more, remember more of it... get to know it better. But i think it would be really good for me to change it up a little, and do a lot more meditation stuff. I have done that before, and enjoyed it a ton, but i saw a need to know more of the Word by memory, so i started reading a couple chapters a day. Now the need is to meditate and consider what is between the lines... (or more accurately, what God wants to tell me at that moment through those few particular verses that i am reading.) So anyway, thanks Nate for reminding me of that, and thanks for your great ideas and example.

Also, i was thinking about writing something else. Me and Emily just went through kind of a big discussion about how our relationship is going. We both have different needs, and our lifes are at very different spots right now. It is sometimes hard for us to see each other's needs, but so much more so when we don't communicate them. From being here in france, detached from most of my normal life routines, i am taking advantage of those absences, and trying to let God fill all my thoughts with His voice. I am focusing a lot on what God wants out of me, in my life, and right now. I felt a strong conviction to get things out. To be honest about my feelings, to not hold things back when i should bring them forth and have an open relationship. So i rather bluntly communicated a few frustrations to Emily, and she did the same. It felt so good to get them out, although it was rather stressful, and after being 100% honest, and then talking about what that meant, we were able to discuss our relationship without worrying about hurting each other's feelings. We were just honest. And it was soooo amazing. I feel so much better that we were able to talk about those things that were holding us back, that were eating me away, and i feel so much more prepared to try to fill her needs as well. I am trying to put into question a lot of things in my life, in order to be ready to drop everything if God tells me to do so. It is not easy, even to think about, let alone actually accomplish. I don't want to drop things in my life, but i want to put Christ above every other thing in life, in a real way. To be actually ready to give up anything if he asks me to. Pray that i can continue to do that. Pray that you can too. It is hard, but it is our call, no matter who we are, or where we are. As beleivers, we must have one allegiance above every other. Jesus Christ.  

4:20 AM : Hey Everyone in back in the good ol' USA.

Hope everything is well, and that you are all being blessed. Well, a lot is happening here in Grenoble. It seems i have so many unique experiences everyday, that i could never have enough time to journal about them all. I write several emails a day, and most of my stories make it into the emails, so the journal gets left out. I will try to be better about that. Anyway, yesterday, i went to the University of Grenoble campus to have lunch with Jean-Yves, my cohort in youth ministry at the CEP. We had a great discussion and he is constantly challenging me with the things he has thought about, and his new ways of looking at things. For instance, he told me that when he gets a good idea, he always explains it to someone else as, "i was telling myself..." But he realized that he wasn't telling himself anything. He was just listening to God. God was talking to him. I thought that it was interesting and that i am going to try to recognize more often when it is obviously God talking. It happens all the time, but i always give myself the credit. Also, we talked about the need for confession. A friend of ours recently confessed to the small group a sin that he had committed, and he asked us to pray for him, that he would renounce the sin, and that the people affected by it would be healed... It hit me, because it seems that so often we don't ever confess. In the states, we have a culture that says what goes on in our own houses is no one else's business. But as a church, we shouldn't necessarily be that way. I don't think we should stand up and just tell everyone in the whole church our sins, but to a small group where a trust and confidence has been built, it should be a regular thing. The only times that i have really seen it is when two people who struggle with the same sin confess to each other about it. Which is good, but not the only way confession should happen. In that situation, the two people aren't really making themselves vulnerable. Anyway, i would be happy to hear your thoughts about it, if you wanted to post something on the discussion board. Anyway, after i had lunch with Jean-Yves, I went to the old API office and hung out with some of the new API students. It was really cool, and interesting to see them where i was at a year ago. Intimidated and so excited. But it was also a ton of fun, and i am looking forward to spending time with them and hopefully being a strong witness. Two of the girls i met are actually going to one of the other Bible studies around campus, so that was cool to hear also... well, i have to make some fliers pretty soon, so i should run. God Bless you all!

steve  

11:35 PM : Hey Guys, how is everyone? Well, i am back in France, and i am very happy to announce that i have DSL! That means i won't have to pay 40 euros every month for Internet. That also means that i have it in my room, and i should be able to write fairly often. It is great to be back. I have to say, it has been sooo tiring, first of all because of the hour change, and also because it is exhausting to have to listen to French all day. I have to listen twice as hard, because my ears haven't been hearing real French for six months. This time around, the hour change has been harder than ever, i am not sure why. Just having trouble getting caught up. Anyway, so far, i went to the men's bible study yesterday morning. It was really awesome, but i didn't say hardly a word. I was too tired, and it was all i could do to just keep up with the conversation. We talked about Acts 20:17-38 and the characteristics of the little group of nine missionaries and how they helped grow the churches that they visited. We also talked about “La Forme et La Liberté” (Form and Liberty in the Church) by Francis Schaeffer. It was a really intriguing conversation because what Brad and Matthew are doing is literally trying to build the leadership in the church so that it would stand on its own if they weren’t there. Verse 28 of the text says “Take heed therefore unto yourselves, and to all the flock, over the which the Holy Ghost hath made you overseers, to feed the church of God, which he hath purchased with his own blood.” So the men in the Bible study are basically the Deacons of the church. I am not sure if they make the title known or how they deal with that, but that is their role. It was very cool to hear their thoughts, and to hear what they said about the essentials of a Community of Christ that Schaeffer talked about. Last night, I went to a “Groupe des Jeunes” (a youth group) which was basically supposed to be a college group, but was actually made up of six twenty-somethings, one over thirty, and no college students, save myself. Wierd huh? I was the youngest one there. Anyway, that was very cool, but equally as exhausting as the Bible study. It was not really what I expected. These people are in love with God’s word. I guess i was expecting a group of young people who were Christians, but seriously motivated to live out their faith. Au contraire, they spoke with knowledge and conviction of the Word of God, and of their living out the Word, in example to others, in the sharing of their faith, and in their personal walks with the Savior. One thing that was especially interesting was a discussion of who our heroes were in the Bible. We were just going to name one person who was intriguing to us, more than others... A guy named Sydney, a huge black guy from the Congo, who is now a film-maker here in Grenoble, spoke of his thoughts on Moses. I can’t recall all that he said, but the inspiration that he took from the life of Moses was amazing. He made specific and personal reflections on how the life of Moses and his own were similar, in some way or another. That sounds like a stretch, but the things he said were so relevant, so passionate. He had obviously put a lot of thought into it before, and it made me wonder why I hadn’t put more thought into a study like that. We all obviously said that the most important person in our lives from the Bible is Jesus, as He is the Savior, and the only one that we can have any relationship to. The others are just examples. Anyway, i found their answers all very intriguing and i was truly blessed to be there. Hopefully next time, i will be able to be a blessing to them as well. (I didn’t say much that time either...) I will re-habituate myself with the language soon, and i am confident that i will be able to be more involved.

What else can i say?

Life at the Glocks is pretty cool. I am enjoying staying here, and I am sure i will get used to being around the kids pretty soon. I love them, but i have never lived with young kids like that, and the noise level, and energy level is going to take some getting used to. But the family is really awesome, very hospitable, and i am looking forward to my relationship with Matthew, and to see how i am able to grow with his mentorship and wisdom. Well, i have other emails to write, so i should get going.

God Bless You all! Thank you for your prayers!

Oh man, i forgot to write about church this morning!!! Well, i returned this morning to the CEP and it was really amazing. Brad gave an official “re-welcoming” to me. I don’t know how to describe it, but I love this church. This community. They really have a huge place in my heart. As soon as i walked in, i saw a roomful of people look at me and welcome me. I was so pleased to talk to all the youth again, and they seemed truly pleased that I had come back to hang out and work with them. I was so happy to sing and praise God with this group of believers. I can’t put it into words. Maybe i will try some other time.

 

3:46 PM : Hey Guys, how is everyone? Well, i am back in France, and i am very happy to announce that i have DSL! That means i won't have to pay 40 euros every month for Internet. That also means that i have it in my room, and i should be able to write fairly often. It is great to be back. I have to say, it has been sooo tiring, first of all because of the hour change, and also because it is exhausting to have to listen to French all day. I have to listen twice as hard, because my ears haven't been hearing real French for six months. This time around, the hour change has been harder than ever, i am not sure why. Just having trouble getting caught up. Anyway, so far, i went to the men's bible study yesterday morning. It was really awesome, but i didn't say hardly a word. I was too tired, and it was all i could do to just keep up with the conversation. We talked about Acts 20:17-38 and the characteristics of the little group of nine missionaries and how they helped grow the churches that they visited. We also talked about “La Forme et La Liberté” (Form and Liberty in the Church) by Francis Schaeffer. It was a really intriguing conversation because what Brad and Matthew are doing is literally trying to build the leadership in the church so that it would stand on its own if they weren’t there. Verse 28 of the text says “Take heed therefore unto yourselves, and to all the flock, over the which the Holy Ghost hath made you overseers, to feed the church of God, which he hath purchased with his own blood.” So the men in the Bible study are basically the Deacons of the church. I am not sure if they make the title known or how they deal with that, but that is their role. It was very cool to hear their thoughts, and to hear what they said about the essentials of a Community of Christ that Schaeffer talked about. Last night, I went to a “Groupe des Jeunes” (a youth group) which was basically supposed to be a college group, but was actually made up of six twenty-somethings, one over thirty, and no college students, save myself. Wierd huh? I was the youngest one there. Anyway, that was very cool, but equally as exhausting as the Bible study. It was not really what I expected. These people are in love with God’s word. I guess i was expecting a group of young people who were Christians, but seriously motivated to live out their faith. Au contraire, they spoke with knowledge and conviction of the Word of God, and of their living out the Word, in example to others, in the sharing of their faith, and in their personal walks with the Savior. One thing that was especially interesting was a discussion of who our heroes were in the Bible. We were just going to name one person who was intriguing to us, more than others... A guy named Sydney, a huge black guy from the Congo, who is now a film-maker here in Grenoble, spoke of his thoughts on Moses. I can’t recall all that he said, but the inspiration that he took from the life of Moses was amazing. He made specific and personal reflections on how the life of Moses and his own were similar, in some way or another. That sounds like a stretch, but the things he said were so relevant, so passionate. He had obviously put a lot of thought into it before, and it made me wonder why I hadn’t put more thought into a study like that. We all obviously said that the most important person in our lives from the Bible is Jesus, as He is the Savior, and the only one that we can have any relationship to. The others are just examples. Anyway, i found their answers all very intriguing and i was truly blessed to be there. Hopefully next time, i will be able to be a blessing to them as well. (I didn’t say much that time either...) I will re-habituate myself with the language soon, and i am confident that i will be able to be more involved.



What else can i say?



Life at the Glocks is pretty cool. I am enjoying staying here, and I am sure i will get used to being around the kids pretty soon. I love them, but i have never lived with young kids like that, and the noise level, and energy level is going to take some getting used to. But the family is really awesome, very hospitable, and i am looking forward to my relationship with Matthew, and to see how i am able to grow with his mentorship and wisdom. Well, i have other emails to write, so i should get going.



God Bless You all! Thank you for your prayers!



Oh man, i forgot to write about church this morning!!! Well, i returned this morning to the CEP and it was really amazing. Brad gave an official “re-welcoming” to me. I don’t know how to describe it, but I love this church. This community. They really have a huge place in my heart. As soon as i walked in, i saw a roomful of people look at me and welcome me. I was so pleased to talk to all the youth again, and they seemed truly pleased that I had come back to hang out and work with them. I was so happy to sing and praise God with this group of believers. I can’t put it into words. Maybe i will try some other time.

 

8:26 AM : Well well well, i just spent a beautiful weekend in Annecy. It is kinda close to Geneva, but it is on the south side, towards Grenoble. Anyway, we stayed at the Auberge de Jeunesse (youth hostel). It was actually a really nice hostel. Well i went with my friends from API and some others. Laura, Kristin, Shannon, Marissa, Cheryl, Yoshiko, Maika, Kathleen, John and I. It was pretty fun, but having a big group made it confusing when we split up, but it wasn't bad. Annecy is a beatiful city on Lac d'Annecy (lake) with mountains all around. The lake is particularly unique because it has a very shallow shelf that makes the first hundred yards of it look like the clear light blue water of the carribean or something like that... Pretty gorgeous, but unfortunately, it wasn't hot enough to actually swim. It is glacier fed. Today we went hiking up in the hills, and saw some beautiful sights... but what i noticed is hiking is hiking. It is pretty much the same here as anywhere in the states. I love it the same, but it is wierd, it made me feel at home. It made me feel for a little while that i could just go home afterwards and have some coffee with my buddies or family. I love it so much here, but nothing replaces home. I keep wondering though, i think as soon as i get home, i am going to miss Grenoble a ton. Everyday is an adventure. On friday, me and Emil climbed up to this old fort south of Grenoble. (i know, i talk about forts all the time, but there are tons!) ANyway, this fort was rediculous old, but i think it was rebuilt during the first world war. (but it wasn't done well at all) It is strictly interdit (prohibited) to be there because the walls are falling in and the ceilings are crumbling... But being interdit only made it more attractive to explore. So me and emil decided if we got caught there, we would just pretend like we couldn't read the signs cuz they were in french... :) we went in and it just had an eerie feeling. There were graffiti of nazi symbols, like the SS and the swastika, and other things like "Vive le F.N." (which means the Front National which is a racist political party that tries to keep immigrants out of france. That added to the eerie feeling. But anyway, it is huge, and we kept finding corridors that would lead way off into blackness, and we didn't have flashlights, so we weren't about to go down in them... But one corridor had openings all down the left side, so light could get in and a wall on the right. So we proceeded down and all of a sudden i notice a hole in the wall on my right. I look in and it is black. I decided the only way so see in was to take a picture in there with my camera and use the flash to get a glimps of whatever was there. I looked and i saw a three corridors that went off into blackness, then all of a sudden i felt a really wierd wind come out of the hole... A chill went up my spine and i couldn't stay there any longer. It was just scary. Have you ever seen taht show "Fear" where people go into scary places or old "haunted" prisons at night? Well that is what this place felt like... Wow. anyway, it was a really cool adventure, and i kinda want to go back up there. Shoot, i gotta go, i am paying for this internet time!!!  

3:49 AM : Hey Everyone, well my mom and my sister should be here tonight. I am pretty excited, but it just feels wierd cuz it isn't at home. I wish i could go home for a weekend. But it will be fun to play guide for them, and i am excited to share my life over here with someone from home... Cool thing it gets to be my mom and my sister. Anyway, I played soccer for about three hours yesterday after church, and then go so dehydrated i almost fainted, then i got a migraine... But the soccer was fun. It was with some french guys and a whole bunch of maroccan guys. It was a pretty good match for just being a pick up game, and i think i am going to play every sunday. The weather was perfect. Man i love that game!!! Well, i decided that i will probably go to Italy for my second break. It will be expensive, but i think i will manage. The problem is that i need to save money for when Caleb (my brother) comes over, after my school is out. We are hopefully going to spain, and then we are going to ride bikes around France, probably along the coast. That is going to be rad. I miss my brothers a ton. Speakin a which, Jesse, CALL ME! little punk, never even email me.... Wow, i always end up writing the same things on here. What i have been doing, how much i miss certain people, and how much i am learning... I guess those are the three things that kinda take up my life though. I actually do have deeper thoughts than this surface level stuff, i just never get inspired to write anything like that. I have been reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis... What a great work. It is really great food for thought. I feel silly that i haven't read all of his books yet, but i am sure i will get to them someday. Okay, i got class in about twenty minutes. Love you all! God Bless you!  

7:37 AM : Hey everyone, i hope all is well with whoevers' eyes have ventured into my life by reading this journal... well, things are going okay here in France. I have been getting used to things here, but there is always new things flying at me that prevent me from ever feeling at home. That makes me glad, because, well... i don't think i could ever really feel at home here. But i appreciate home much more because of it. I am having a bit of a homesick phase right now i think. I talked to Chris on the phone the other day, and i can't express how much i miss him, the other apt guys, and everyone else who is in my life from home. I also miss my girl, but "ça va sans dire." I talk to Em usually once a week, and we email quite often as well. No, it isn't enough, but that also goes without saying... Mom and Sarah are coming to visit a week from tomorrow, and i am pretty excited for that. I just hope that stuff goes well while they are here in Grenoble, and that i can find enough stuff for us all to do together. I also have to find them a hotel. Shoot... anyway, i am pumped to see them, but i have to admit, it will just be wierd that we aren't at home. It will probably also feel weird with the albert's (the family that i live with) at the house if Mom and Sarah come over. I am having real trouble with them right now. The Madame went off on me this morning about one of my friends who she thought was mean to the other guy i live with. The other guy is a little strange, and my friend chose not to live in the house with us because the other guy and her went to school together back in michigan. It was wierd for her to get here and have this guy already be living in the house that she was going to live in, and so she moved in with another family. The Madame started telling me this morning about how mean that was, and i told her it wasn't mean, it was just strange for her, and she did what she needed to. This is the kicker that makes this story worth actually writing down... She starts saying stuff about how my friend is a protestant and acting like that had something to do with her "being mean." I almost choked on my cereal as i heard her say that, and then i got up and walked out... That was over the limit. She has made comments about protestants before, and i have let it go, but that just jumped right over the line. I haven't seen her since, but i hope to talk about it again, and calmly ask her exactly what she thinks about protestants... It probably sounds strange to read this, cuz i can't actually describe what the madame is like, but i think she is a little hostile to anyone who isn't just like her... I don't know. i hope i don't blow it out of proportion. So, that has been a bit frustrating. Well, besides being homesick and frustrated with the madame, life is going pretty good. (i am not saying that with sarcasm... it really is) Church is awesome... we had a get together with the highschoolers last night again, and it was really fun. Then today, after church, me and a few of the high schoolers went to the movie "Un Homme d'Exception" which is "A Beautiful Mind." It was cool. So i have been able to hang with the youth more, and it is always exhausting but so good for my french. well, shoot, i should write more, but i also need to run. I will write more tonight and publish it tomorrow, right here... anyway, love you all. God Bless!

steve  

9:10 AM : well hello.. i hear you guys are getting tons of snow... not fair. at all. I am in the freaking alpes and there is no snow in the city. obviously the mountains have snow, but every other year, there is plenty of snow in the city itself. but i came this year, and i guess God thought it would be funny to tease me like this... whatever. It is working God, you can quit the joke now. Don't get me wrong God, I am thankful! Thank you Lord... for your sense of humor. :) anyway, i think i made the university of Grenoble soccer team yesterday... how incredible is that?!?! I played with them and the coach asked me to come back for sure, and then he told me when the first game was and asked if i could make it... This is a school the size of... well i don't know, but it has forty thousand students... I am the only non french person on the team, and it is really hard to communicate on the field. But it is massively fun anyway, cuz i haven't played competitive ball in a while. It is hard, but i am showing well i think. I must be, these dudes are good. Really good. anyway, i am hoping this will be a good experience, and that this whole thing works out. whatever, i am pretty excited, so i had to tell everyone... love you all and miss you. au revoir  

6:59 PM :

Here is a picture of Grenoble  

4:42 AM : Hey, wow, it is 4:42 am there, but it is 2:40 pm here in france. that is right. for those who haven't heard, i am in france now... i haven't written in a long time. Anyway, it has been a good month and a half since i have recorded any of my thoughts here, and i would have to say a lot has happened since then. As you can see, i am no longer in the apartment, but i am still a member of the apt222 clan. I am studying here in grenoble france. it is a cool place, in more meanings than one. it is freaking cold here. Puts north dakota to shame. anyway, it is situated in the foothills of the Alps. Actually, that is funny that i said that. there are no foothills. Grenoble is a flat city, and it is only 200 meters above sea level. Then, on every side of the city, the mountains just kinda shoot up out of the ground. there are definately no subtle elevation rises before you get to the mountains. It makes for very very beautiful surroundings though. I have a little deck off of my room, and i can look out towards italy and switzerland, although they are still a waise away. I have made a bunch of friends here and i really like the city, my living arangements, the school...etc. But i have to say that after a few weeks, i really miss everybody. Me and emily have talked a couple times on the phone, and i have talked to the apt222 guys once, but it doesn't really help. I will get over it soon cuz i think i am in that stage where i am not really used to being gone, but the novelty of being here is just starting to wear off, so i feel like i don't really have a home anywhere. I mean, i know where home is, it just doesn't feel ok here yet. It is just a natural stage of studying abroad, so don't worry mom. I like it here. I miss emily a ton, but i am always glad when i get to talk to her. I am used to being long distance with her, so that is all going OK. It doesn't really get a lot easier though... Well, about grenoble. or france in general, there are a few things that each country could learn from each other. First, AMERICA, LISTEN UP!!! There is a beautiful thing in Europe called a Patisserie. They are these little shops that are on every corner where they sell sandwiches, croissantes, and all kinds of baked sweets. They are truly a wonderful invention. They should be mandatory in every country. Sorry Aaron or any other Krispy Kreme fans, Krispy Kremes got nothing on the French Boulangerie or Patisserie. Here is the other side... FRANCE, TAKE A HINT!!! GET SOME FREAKING COMPUTERS! AND SOME TOILET BOWLS!!! Ok here is the deal. There are no computers in france except in places called internet cafes where you have to pay tons of money to use the internet. The school has some, but they are old and you have to sign up for no more than a half hour a week in advance. This is a university with 40,000 students... give me a freaking break! And i don't know if you have been to thailand, but i hear they have these little holes in the floor that have plumbing out of them that serve as toilets... yeah, well you thought france was a relatively modern country, right? Not a thirdworld, buildings falling apart, ancient civilisation... Yeah, the university has the hole in the floor toilets. i couldn't beleive it either. It might just be grenoble, but for goodness' sake, update the stinking bathrooms. The stench is so bad in there, you don't even have time to take a poo without running out of oxygen... anyway, this rant has to stop, i have to go. I love you all and miss you more than you can imagine. ENJOY YOUR COMPUTERS!! DON'T TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED. AND YOUR TOILETS SEATS!!  

2:24 AM : Hey folks... I just had a great conversation with my roommate, Nate RRRRRitter. What a guy... We talked mainly about relationships. He is dating Teresa Ferens, a very cool chick from lynden. ANd if you have followed this site at all, or know nate, you already know this... In our discussion of relationships, we discussed pretty much everything, but what really hit me was when we tried to give definitions of love. It was very very interesting. It forced me to think of my own definition. I had never really put it in concrete terms before, and it was very hard to do. Everything i thought of had to be qualified in some manner or added to, and i never really felt like i could get to the heart of it. Ultimately, i understand that it is an emotion or state of mind, and it can't be accurately or exhaustively described in words, no matter how many words or how much time you had. But i noticed, through the course of discussion, that people put different emphasis on it. Some stress the numinous bliss of it, others the utter helplessness of it, and yet others the committment. I think i fell in the third camp. I think that people can have feelings, very strong feelings for each other, and not really love each other. Even to the point of letting the dividing factor be their decision to commit. Now, i have loved, but i have not been "in love" before. That is, i love many of my friends, (yes, even girls) and i love all of my family, but i am not "in love" with them... Everyone should know what i am talking about here. Platonic love vs. Eros love? is that it? anyway, latin aside, i cannot have a good idea of being "in love" until i experience it. So for now, i will hold to the importance of the committment. But here is the purpose that i write this in here, I want anyone who reads this to email a response to me (through the link on this page) on what they think of love. If it is worthy, or really thoughtful, i will put it on the discussion board or something... but anyway, me and nate want to know what you think.

Now, here is another thing i wanted to write about. I have a girlfriend... One who recently got back from Colorado... Who i have missed like crazy for three months. Emily Potter. Yes, just skim back a few journals if you don't know what i am talking about. (oh, and in case you are wondering, or if you happen to go by the names of Cindy or Tom Potter, there is absolutely no correlation between me writing about Emily and love in the same journal. It is purely coincedence... honestly. I realize that i have a long way to go before i should start thinking about or using the "L" word...) So yeah, Emily just got back on wednesday, the day before thanksgiving. So, i postponed my trip home until late that night so that i could go to the airport with her parents, the afore-mentioned Cindy and Tom Potter, and the rest of her family to pick her up. It was really a great time. I got to the Potter's around four thirty when i wasn't supposed to show up till six, so i just hung out with Mr, Mrs, and Marie for a while until we left to go to church with Ben and Ali, Emily's brother and sister-in-law, who had already picked up Erin, Emily's twin sister... So anyway, we went to a cool church, then had tea and cookies (haha) at Ben and ALi's and then finally went to pick EmGem up... It was really fun getting to know her family. What an amazing group of people!! Me and Em stayed up really late, and i went home. I had a great time at home with my family, ate a wonderful thanksgiving dinner, and played games. Isn't family a wonderful thing?!? Friday morning, i ate breakfast with my best friends in the world, Bryan, Chris, and Adam, and then headed back up to woodenville to see my girl. (all the while, chris was breaking his leg in the annual post-thanksgiving football game, and then going into surgery to get a pin and plate inserted into his foot. Now he is robo-man...) HOLY COW!!! it is late. I didn't realize i had written so much... crap. I gotta sum up. I went to Emily's house and had an amazing time catching up with her. It is very funny how our relationship is progressing, as we have been long distance from a week after we met. But i have to say it has been awesome to see how God has worked in our friendship and our feelings for each other. She is pretty amazing. She truly loves God with her whole heart, mind, and soul, and it shows. It gives me so much confidence in her to know without a doubt that she has her priorities straight with God where He should be. A relationship cannot succeed without God in His rightful place in the Throne of each person's life. I hope to keep my focus on Him, for my own sake for starters, but also because i know if i don't seek Him first, all other endeavors are worthless. And i don't want to waste time in a relationship that is destined to fail from the beginning... So anyway, um... I will write more later. I need sleep. Stay posted, write me if you so desire. Love to all. May God Bless you and Keep You, May He make His face to shine upon you and grant you peace!!!  

3:29 PM : Hey, I just added a new quote to the quote page.. I found an awesome thing that Thomas a Kempis said... I have long been wishing that i could sing more beautifully... Or even a little closer to any key in which i would not sound completely tone deaf... Then i read this quote... "If you cannot sing like the nightingale or the lark, sing like the raven or the frogs in the pond. They sing as God has given them to sing." I know it is in reference to worship, and that God doesn't care in which voice we worship, as long as our hearts are pure, (this also goes to defend contemporary forms of worship, INCLUDING hard core Christian music like Living Sacrifice or ZAO... The only question then is if their hearts are pure...) But i want to also apply it to my purposes of singing in general... I am a hideous singer, but you have to like it, because God gave me this voice!!!  

6:35 PM : Today i read something in a book called "the Autumn of the Middle Ages" by Johan Huizinga that reminded me of an experience i had just the other day. I wrote about this particular experience in an email to my girlfriend, so i am just going to clip the section from the email on here, as well as a meditation that i was reminded of, and also the part of the book that was interesting... hope that is all clear.



"But i had such a weird feeling earlier today. I walked out of my 417 class today, right around four o'clock, and it was raining and the wind was blowing... We got out early today and i had some time to wait for the bus. I had been tired all day from working this morning, but for some reason at that moment, i felt comfortable being tired. Anyway, i just stood in the middle of the San Juans, (the rocks in the courtyard are a model of the san juans) and i just looked up into the rain. I stood there for like five minutes, my face straight upward. I must have looked like a freak. But i just got a feeling of peace. I felt like everything was just so perfect. All the things that i have been thinking about constantly just kinda faded away. God descended on me. I didn't even ask for it. I just felt it... He just showed me all of the amazing blessings that he has given me. Most of them were just vague ideas, and some were just being thankful for the rain, and seeing the beauty in it. Or just people... Friends, family... they are all so beautiful. And you most of all. you were the one person who specifically came to mind. The rain was so beautiful, and the air was so fresh, just like any other day, but different. My soul just grew quiet. It was like that meditation that i told you about, from the monk in california. I started smiling and then was overcome so much that my eyes started to water. I can't really explain it at all. It was so sudden, so unexpected, and SO NOT FROM ME. God used the rain, the cold air, and the wind, things so simple, and usually something i don't enjoy, to remind me of His blessing. Praise God for revelations and gifts of the Spirit... Actually, i should send you that meditation... Read it separately from this... Don't read it until you are done reading my email and then wait five minutes. Read each phrase and then pause. Actually, read it right before bed... that will be good."



Ok, here is the meditation that i was talking about.



"Let your God love you. Be silent. Be still. Alone. Empty. Before your God. Say nothing. Ask nothing. Be silent. Be still. Let Him look upon you. That is all. He knows and understands. He loves you with an enormous love. Wanting only to look upon you with love. Quiet. Still. Be.... Let your God love you."







Here is the little excerpt: "Videmus nunc per speculum in aenigmate, tunc aurem facie ad faciem... 'For now we see through the glass darkly; but then face to face.' They never forgot that everything would be absurd if it exhausted its meaning in its immediate function and form of manifestation, and that all things extend in an important way into the world beyond. That insight is still familiar to us as an inarticulate feeling in those momesnts when the sound of rain on leaves or the light of a lamp on a table penetrates momentarily into a deeper level of perception than that serving practical thought and action. It may surface in the form of a sickening obsession to the effect that all things seem to be pregnant with a threatening personal intent or with an enigma that we must solve but cannot. It may also, more frequently, fill us with that calm and strengthening certainty that our own life shares in the mysterious meaning of the world. The more that feeling condenses into awe of the One from which all things flow, the more readily it will move from the clear certainty of isolated moments to a lasting, ever present feeling or even to an articulated conviction. By cultivating the continuous sense of our connection with the Power that made things as they are, we are tempered more towardly for their reception. The outward face of nature need not alter, but the expressions of meaning in it alter. It was dead and is alive again. It is like the difference between looking on a person without love, or upon the same person with love... When we see all things in God, and refer all things to Him, we are able to read in common matters superior expressions of meaning."  

4:31 PM : So what's up y'all. Well this is the first of my journal entries on the net. It is kinda weird. I feel like i could write almost anything on here, like it was my own private journal, even though i know anyone on a computer could read it... Probably because i know most people wouldn't take the time... Since i don't write in my own private journal much either, i don't know how often i will use this. But whatever. Well, i have only one thing on my mind right now. I leave for Denver tomorrow to visit Emily Potter, a beautiful girl who kinda stormed into my life. Two months ago, Teresa, Nate's girlfriend and good friend of mine, brought a friend up to visit, with a slightly hidden agenda that we might meet. This friend, who Teresa had mentioned numerous times was kindof mysterious to me. Teresa kept hinting that we might hit if off, but tried to be just vague enough to not be to pressuring. Anyway, i was a little apprehensive about meeting her. I didn't want to cuz i thought that it would just be awkward, but i did, cuz teresa said that she was awesome and that at the very least, we would be good friends... She also said that she was beautiful, but that obviously made no difference to me... (yeah right...) Well, anyway, Emily finally came up to Bellingham to visit on August 14 and basically from the time we met, we spent as much time together as possible until the day she left for Denver, which was unfortunately only six days later. It was kinda crazy. Anyway, over the two months that she has been in Denver, and i have been here, we have talked for countless hours on the phone, written hundreds of emails, and gotten to know each other pretty well. To say the least, i like her a lot. She is an amazing woman of God. And i like her in a way that i have never like anyone before... she is pretty special. So i decided to go see her. Yes, a very big move, but we agreed that it isn't a bad idea for us to have a little exposure to each other to continue our getting to know eachother... So, yeah, i am more than excited. I haven't been able to really concentrate on my reading for school. That is kindof a problem, because all of my classes are reading intensive, and it is so easy to fall behind. Something which i have not been able to avoid. However, i enjoy my classes tremendously. They are very very difficult. the readings are challenging me more than ever, but when it starts to come together, i get that joy of learning. Do you know what i am talking about? I just get excited that i am growing as a person. I am expanding my experience, my depth, the pool of knowledge through which i filter all of the new information that i come into. The more i learn, the more i can understand what i stumble into... Granted, i have to be careful how i take everything in, but one can learn useful information from reading things that are the antithesis of what they stand for... well, that statement must be qualified... some material is strictly vacuous. But any thoughtful work, no matter how removed from our own belief system or experience can teach us at least how we stand in relation to that material... For instance, a Christian reading Freud. That is obvious, because Freud is such an influencial figure on modern thought. His beliefs are so far removed from my own, yet i can learn from him. I can take in what i find valuable and discard what i don't. And i can strengthen or re-evaluate my own opinions in light of that new material... So, to bring it all together, i love to learn. One of my classes, "approaches to cultural history" or basically "historiography," we already read a book called "Gothic Architecture and Scholasticism." As i was reading it, i felt completely lost. It was going into detail about the structural forms of high gothic architecture in the specific vocabulary of that period... I didn't understand most of the details. But when i finished the book, and we discussed in class, with slides and a little more analisation, it kind of all came together... The way that the buildings were built with their structures on the outside, so if you really look at the building, you can easily see which collumns are the suports. In the same way, by looking at Aquinas' Summas, you can follow his arguments almost by looking only at the form of his arguments. The form is supposed to expose the subject in its entirety, in its fullest detail, following the most logical and rational path. Anyway, this probably just got boring to any of you that have read this far... But whatever... SO i talked about the only two things that i have time for nowadays... school, and... well, i have just made time for Emily... Yeah, i am a little nuts... whatever... well, maybe i will write again soon, maybe not... God Bless! Ciao.